Healing Difficult Emotions, Politics and Love, Self-Love and Self-Directed Kindness

How to Treat People With Dignity (And Yourself, Too) Even When They Are Mean and Stupid

Here are two basic things I believe:  1) There are really mean, stupid, and horrible people in the world (maybe even a lot of them).

Stupid people

2) Every human being deserves to be treated with basic dignity.

How can these two beliefs be reconciled? It is not easy.

Perhaps the best place to start in answering this question is to explore what it means to treat people with dignity.

Here is what it does not mean:

Treating people with dignity does not mean…

That we excuse people’s bad behavior. 

That we let people mistreat and abuse us or others. 

That we avoid having difficult conversations. 

That we lie about or minimize bad things people do. 

That we hang around, listen to, or support people who do bad things or who mistreat or abuse us or violate our boundaries.

In addition, treating people with dignity does not mean being nice. I don’t necessarily consider niceness in itself as a virtue. I consider it to be more concerned with not ruffling feathers, not breaking social convention, having good manners, never raising one’s voice in an undignified manner.

These behaviors may or may not be virtuous. For instance, one could do all the actions above and not really care about people at all. One could just be doing them in order to maintain a certain kind of appearance (no matter how insincere it is) or to not create any waves.

In order to treat people with dignity, it is sometimes necessary to break social conventions, call out bad behavior , and even create discomfort. Sometimes it is necessary to be un-nice. 

So, treating people with dignity cannot mean being nice, although being nice (if by nice we mean compassionate and kind) may sometimes be a part of treating people with dignity.

So if treating people with dignity does not mean these things, what does it mean? 

When we treat people with dignity, we recognize three basic things about them.

First: All human beings have the light of humanity in them. You can call this light the image of God in them, their Divine nature, their Buddha nature, or their potential for creative and moral rationality.

Granted, sometimes this light is very small or dim in certain people–so much so that it seems almost non-existent.

However, all  major world religions and ethical systems teach that no matter how small or underdeveloped this light is, it is always possible to develop and cultivate it.

It is from this light that almost all of the wonderful things in the world like love, compassion, creativity, and wisdom flow.

Love

Second: Everyone’s light is equally precious and valuable and deserving to  be developed.

Third: While we are not responsible per se for developing someone else’s light, we can encourage or discourage the development of  it with how we speak and treat other people.

Given these three, basic premises, treating people with dignity in general means recognizing and honoring their light and acting in such a way as to support its development.

What kinds of actions and words support the development of our light and other people’s light, in general?

There is no way to make a comprehensive list of such actions and words in this post or even in a series of posts. But, here are some of the ways I believe we best encourage the development of our own light and the light of others.

We speak the truth in love. (And by the way, sometimes speaking the truth in love can involve getting loud, direct, and using strong language. Some would refer to this as prophetic language, and all great revolutionaries of love, like Martin Luther King Jr., have used it.)

We set appropriate boundaries. We do not violate other people’s boundaries or allow them to violate our boundaries. 

We do all we can to see, honor, and praise the good in people. 

We are honest with people when they are hurting us, and we demand that they stop or change their behavior. We also listen when people tell us we are hurting them, and we change or stop our behavior. 

We respect people’s right to make choices, even choices we don’t agree with, as long as they are not hurting us or others.*

We listen to and support people’s dreams and projects. (As long as they aren’t destructive or immoral.)

We avoid demeaning, abusive, rude, and cruelly sarcastic language and behavior because this crushes people’s light. 

We hold out hope that people can change as long as is respectful to ourselves, even if we need to hold this hope from afar. (e.g. Because we can’t be around the person any longer). 

When we have to critique or cut ties completely with people who perpetually act in cruel ways, we do so in a way that does not repay their cruelty and stupidity with more cruelty and stupidity. There is a way to call out cruel and stupid behavior without becoming a cruel and stupid person yourself.**

Stupid People #1

Having said all of this, let us return to the specific question of how we treat people with dignity, even when they are being mean, stupid, and horrible.

Here is my suggestion:

One: We recognize that these people, despite their bad actions, still have the light of humanity in them, even if it is dim or almost non-existent.

Two: We speak the truth in love and do not allow them to violate our boundaries and, if it is appropriate to address this, other people’s boundaries. (We can’t be the ultimate protector of the boundaries of other adults.)

Speaking the truth in love means we recognize the good in them as much as we can, and we also critique harmful behavior when appropriate.

For example, it is not really possible or necessary for us to critique the harmful and stupid behavior of the bad driver who cuts us off in traffic, but it is often necessary in many other cases, especially with people we are in direct contact with daily.

Three: As long as it is respectful to ourselves, we hold out hope people can change, and when it comes  time to cut ties, we do so in a way that does not add more cruelty, stupidity, and horribleness to the situation.

Treating people with dignity is one of the best ways we show love to other people. Sometimes love praises. Sometimes it critiques. Sometimes it stays and hopes. Sometimes it walks away with wisdom.

In all its many expressions love is always the right path, and it always shows respect to ourselves and others.

Wisdom and Courage and Love

*****

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All pictures in this post, except for the owl picture (which is my own), are courtesy of Unsplash.

*I realize that determining whether someone is hurting us or others is somewhat subjective, and I don’t think that the subjective nature of this judgment can be totally avoided. Consulting wise third parties in making judgments like this is good and helpful.

**Of course, self-defense (even using violence) is sometimes necessary. There is a type of self-defense that shuts down violence and a kind of reckless and “no holds barred” self-defense that contributes to the cruelty in the world.

I think the best example of this is war. There is a type of war that takes no delight in violence itself and using violence as a means to shut down further violence. This type of violence treats people, even “the enemy” with dignity. And there is also a type of war that glorifies violence and contributes to cruelty in the world. This type of violence does not treat people with dignity.

18 thoughts on “How to Treat People With Dignity (And Yourself, Too) Even When They Are Mean and Stupid”

  1. I really like your distinction between treating people with respect and dignity and ‘being nice’. Until I was in my mid-thirties, I was very concerned with being nice and being universally liked, and not rocking the boat in personal relationships. And then this threatened to destroy me, and on my wise auntie’s words, I had to ‘toughen up’. She didn’t mean that I had to become unfeeling, but that I had to limit the damage being done to me by closing down that channel of harm. I did speak a very tough message, loudly and clearly, and was not liked for it (understatement). That’s sad, especially for that person! I saved myself, and learnt a very important lesson. I think I could only do that by learning to treat myself with respect and dignity. I think that spreads outwards, and other people know that that is what I expect. It is horrible that there are mean people, and we do need management strategies for them.

    1. Ali, thank you so much (as always) for your thoughtful comment. I had the same exact problem as you: for so long I was concerned about being nice, and it nearly destroyed me. Just like you, I also had to learn to speak tough words to others to save myself, and in doing so, I learned how to treat myself with dignity and respect, and this strengthened my ability to do this with others. In other words, I’m done with “niceness”; I’m “down” with dignity :).

  2. Loved the point about being nice vs. being respectful and treating people with dignity. There is a HUGE difference indeed. I also think being kind is different from being nice -if that makes any sense 🙂 The part you wrote about the light in all of us also reminded me of how studying war and military history has made me realize the very deep complexities in human nature.

    1. M.B., I am so glad this distinction makes sense to you because it is REALLY helpful for me. And you are absolutely right. History is a fascinating exploration of the complexities of human nature. I am excited about reading your newest post!

  3. You cover this so in-depth so well! So many times we see people put up with others, just to be nice. It is indeed a skill to know how to honor ourselves and sometimes keep the distance.

    1. Thank you so much, Infinite Living! I completely agree with you that honoring ourselves (which sometimes means keeping a distance) is such an important skill to learn. It has taken me a while to learn it!

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